


Weapons of Mass Distraction

by Jupiterra



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America Being an Idiot (Hetalia), Comedy, Implied Relationships, One Shot, Russia being an Idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 18:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12488436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jupiterra/pseuds/Jupiterra
Summary: There are some things even super power nations can't understand.





	Weapons of Mass Distraction

Russia packed his things after another stupid world meeting. If it wasn't for free market trade, he wouldn't bother showing up at all. The highlight of today's pointless events would arrive in the form of a barely legible text. Naturally, it was from the inane America.

Not that America was unintelligent. How he kept calling at all was strange, since Ivan kept changing his number. Remembering the ash blonde had to contact his USA connections to covertly attain a copy of the younger nation's newest house key, Russia frowned. Things with his former enemy were... strange. Defining it seemed wrong either way.

As the beige haired Russian read the text, he rolled his eyes. “Meet me @ GER *bucks were I totz shot ur leg.” was quickly responded with “No. I'm not going out for coffee with you again. You ruined Starbucks forever.” After a minute, America typed back “Pleeeeeese. Its about secret weapons!!1!”

Already writing a reply, Ivan paused. Secret weapons, well that could be anything. Perhaps this was a secret weapon to aim at all of Europe. Maybe it wasn't that kind of weapon at all! Maybe it was a nebulous plan of glorious evil to take over the planet? American media and fast food was already attempting this malicious manoeuvre. Such a task clearly wasn't beyond America's rarely used wit. He had crushed Ivan's economy into the ground twice without firing a single bullet.

Hesitantly, Russia erased his rejection and sent off a shy “When?” Forty minutes later, the tall nation was approaching a Starbucks in the trendy heart of Munich. Ivan spotted the always obvious America in failed 'stealth' mode. He was wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket, probably part of some silly ploy. Ivan internally conceded that the younger nation looked good in such things. He probably knew that too. Bastard.

Sitting quietly, Russia gave a stiff greeting of “I am here. Now what?” “Dude! Shhh! Our target's just over there!” Alfred hissed in hush tones, gesturing to the other side of the crowded cafe. Northern Italy and Germany were seated with complex tea drinks, discussing something animatedly. It was a miracle that the sharp eyed German hadn't notice two superpowers stalking him. Then again, Italy could be very distracting.

Suddenly much more interested, Ivan slid a bit lower in his seat and watched. Stalking was fun after all. It was the closest you could get to visiting someone without getting an invitation. “I did not know you enjoyed stalking, Alik.” Ivan purred, surprised at the honey blonde that regularly proclaimed he was a 'hero of the world'. Alfred looked away, abashed, muttering “Well... No. Shut up. It's totally not why I'm here.” Ivan huffed at laugh at his comrade's denial, whispering “Of course. Why are we not stalking them?”

“Watch Italy. I think... he has a secret. A weapon so powerful, it makes atom bombs look like fireworks.” Alfred proposed, looking far too excited. Ivan raised a brow out of skepticism. “No, he always gets free stuff from anyone, and doesn't work at all, and everyone loves him! What else could it be but a crazy form of mind control? Or drugged water...” America rambled, very paranoid. 

“... or the greatest defence ever devised.” Ivan agreed suddenly, watching Germany fork over all of his delicious cake slice to the vapid Italian. He even did so with a small smile. If Russia could inspire such levels of subservience without raising a hand in violence, the things he could accomplish.

“So you understand?” Alfred noted, still low in his own chair. “He must be observed. We need to know his secret. Then we can weaponize it.” Ivan replied, relishing the challenge. It was in that exact moment that Northern Italy looked in their direction. His brown eyes didn't open widely in shock or surprise, as if he knew the duo was there the entire time. “Shit! Shit!” Alfred cursed. “Act calm, like it's an accidental meeting. It's like you've never been caught before!” Ivan hissed, sitting up straighter and turning back to the American.

In no time at all, Italy bounded over. “Hello! How are you?” he greeted warmly, practically bubbling over with sincerity. “Oh... I'm fine. Fine.” Ivan stammered, not expecting such a nice welcome. Normally people treated him like trash. “That's so great, and how are you Mr. America?” Italy asked, turning to Alfred. “Um, good, I guess. Thanks for asking, man.” America replied honestly, looking equally disarmed.

There was brief pleasant chatter while Ivan observed, until America did the unthinkable. He gave away all his overly expensive Starbucks sugar cookies. Taking them, Italy replied “Oh, but you don't have to. This is too generous, Mr. America.” Shaking his head, Alfred assured “No, it's okay. You're so cute that it's okay.”

Ivan watched in utter disbelief, brows raised. America never gave anything away, ever. “Ludwig tells me that all the time too! He's so kind and sweet. I must be going, but thank you!” Italy bid farewell.

A minute later, Alfred's dopey smile dropped off as he came to realize what he had done. He looked at his empty plate with utter despair. “What... what happened. My cookies...” Alfred whined softly. “I don't understand, but it's clear what we must do. Find the source of his power.” Ivan began, quite serious. “Yes. If even I fall to this weapon, who knows what he could do to you?” the American agreed solemnly.

00000

Several days later, a groggy Canada was ripped from deep slumber at three in the morning. The obnoxious “Party in the USA” theme song Alfred demanded he install went off. Feeling blindly in the dark without his glasses, Matthew answered the device. “What do you want.” he grumbled, not feeling overly pleasant right now.

“Mattie, Mattie! Did you get my texts? It's about a new weapon! It's powerful enough to take over the planet, and Italy has it... What the hell, give me some space bastard!” Alfred sounded to be in a struggle. A moment later, the chilling voice of Russia was heard. “This is a matter of world peace. You are a fan of not hitting people in the face, correct?”

“What?” Canada mumbled, confused. “He just took my cookies like an evil wizard! I want my cookies back!” America wailed in the background, while ominous Russian nonsense was uttered in response. “Guys. I don't mean to be rude, but it's way too early for this shit. Good night.” Canada muttered, hanging up.

Ugh. Those guys were idiots.

**Author's Note:**

> Like what you see? Comment or leave a kudos!


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